Far Away

I’ve withered and crumpled. Any pressure which occurred this past year, crushed me. Any wind or storms which blew by carried my leaves and fruit with it.  I am so far away.

My constant focus has remained on how I am so far away - away from my family, friends, and everything I’ve ever known.  I spent so many days laying in bed, surrounded by Kleenex, wondering, aching, perplexed at my situation. I cried out to God so many times.  I was angry, confused, upset, depressed, and helpless.  I still am, but things are changing.

A few days ago, I picked my Bible back up.  My focus has not been on the Lord this past year. I’ve been consistently concentrating on myself. How can I get a good job? How can I make a name for myself?  How can I get letters behind my name? When can I go home to see my family?  What can I do to impress others? What a terrible, selfish cycle I’ve been in.

I’ve forgotten about His affections, His peace, His comfort.  I’ve forgotten that He wants to be my all. I’ve allowed myself to be far away. 

Still, steadfastly, He has never let go, nor let me completely wither in these self-created storms.

So…This is where I am at: I am a child of God. He absolutely must be my only focus.

Because…

I want to be in love with Him again.

Period. 

“Hallelujah. Every breath is a second chance. This is always always always Yours.”

Are You there?

I think one of the hardest parts of being homesick is the absolutely paralyzing feeling of yearning, but not being satisfied.  Today my yearnings have consisted of: Yearning to close my eyes, open them, and be back at home.  Yearning to be able to hold my nephews. Yearning to be able to just go over to a friends house, have a cup of coffee, and listen to music.  Yearning to be able to know that its safe to take a walk in the neighborhood.  Yearning to be able to know that I have a support system nearby.

Yearning to be home.

Homesickness has become a virus.  I don’t know what to do to make it go away. It has weighted me. I’ve had tremendous spiritual struggles, physical struggles, emotional and mental struggles, and, the worst of all, relationship struggles.   I hate it.

So many friends and relatives have offered advice, prayers and love. I appreciate them beyond words. It’s refreshing and comforting. So, if you are one of those people, thank you, and please don’t stop, even though you’re all far away and probably fed up with me.

I’ve started reading articles about homesickness and ways to get over it.  Am I beyond help?  I don’t know if this has grown into depression, anxiety, or some type of disorder that I need to seek help for.  This consistent yearning has left me withering in a desert with no oasis.  What should I do?

There are many opportunities for me to get up, go out, and be active. I know this. I know it will help me. Maybe its fear that’s holding me back, or maybe its just the simple lack of motivation. I want to meet new friends, I’m just scared of what they will see.  Does this make sense to anyone?  I know how to socialize. I know how to make friends. I’ve done a good job in the past. What am I missing now?  A lot of the women at the church we’re attending have children, and I think that maybe they just don’t want to befriend an overweight, eccentric idealist who does not have any children.

I just want one good friend who shares my affinity of music and art. Someone I can just call up and chat with. Someone who appreciates the things I’m passionate about (social justice, organic living, traditionalism, music, photography). Someone who can meet me for a cup of coffee, or who can go on a shopping trip, or to an art museum.  Sorry if this portion of the blog is beginning to sound like a personal ad.  Seriously, though, if you want to be my friend, let me know. I really need one right now.

This may sound completely ridiculous to many of my far-away-friends, but I am pretty sure I’m losing my faith in everything. I don’t know if God is there or here today. I don’t know if my husband will always be there. I don’t know if anyone up here really genuinely cares for me (aside from David).  Right now, I yearn just to go home to my mom and cry and cry and cry, and hope that through my unloading maybe one ray of hope and one ray of satisfaction will shine, and maybe I will get better.  Just maybe.

This really sucks. I want you to know this – I want the world to know this. Maybe someone has been where I’m at – and maybe they can offer some help.  I’m holding on. Holding on. And holding on.  What should I do?