My desktop is set. The only free and open space I can look into appears as I open my chunky laptop. Montana is for us.
I can’t say anything witty, obvious, or anything lovely. As a dear friend recently said, I can only be transparent.
Clear, I shall try to be.
It’s thick, this cellophane, spattered with grease and left-over tomato sauce. It sticks together, doesn’t rinse quite well, and really stinks. Sat too long in the fridge, I suppose.
Noise. The pitter patter of our ceiling fan annoys my skin. I can feel it clang my pink toes and chill my forearms. The buzzing breeze producers white out my being. My blood vibrates whenever a black Cadillac with 20 inch rims rolls by, polluting the cold clang and clack of our 10’ by 10’ room. Bus riders alike yell four letter words to their young and each other as the screeching brakes of the white boulder invades our window.
Paralyzed. I can’t get off the couch to turn on the light. I can’t move. I can’t breath here. Where is the silence? Where are the stars?
Passion. Covered by books, dolce and gabbana, dead music, and fear of waking the neighbor.
Other half. Always trying his hardest. Always seeking. Always asking. Always encouraging. Always my better half.
Time. Dripping out of these pores and onto this dirty carpet. Swinging with each Kleenex that covers the floor. Piercing. Leaving. Gone.
God. The only One who can help me breath, move and speak.
I need more of You.
I need help.
I want Montana.
But You know best.
You say “trust me.”
But It’s so hard when all I have is noise, when all I am is paralyzed, when my passion is gone, when my time is wasting, and when my heart is smothered with bricks.
Help me, please.
1 comment:
Beautiful Kayla May!
You are being made more beautiful each day. These words are clear, and they are beautiful. Beauty isn't always soft, supple roses - it is the burning of dross to reveal a heart of flesh! So much yet to burn off! Blow away the ashes, don't rub them onto yourself and mourn - blow them away.
This season of life is for you to figure out in the midst of the booming bass in cars driving by and the fowl stench of four letter words floating in the air - find your mission - it's there - maybe it is hidden underneath the couch cushion, or behind the tv - it's there with you, now find it.
Close your eyes and ask God for wisdom - not help - He sometimes shows us it is up to us to move, to do, to talk, to pray, to be - He will show you the wisdom needed that will allow you to understand what your mission is - in this season - in this place.
Remain steadfast for this has to be preparation for something - what is it? I don't know but it could be so many things.
While waiting maybe you are supposed to be doing something specific. Maybe you are to start a study - right there in your little room. It could be to pray - not work full time but only as you are and dedicate your time to praying for the needs of friends, family, church - the world. It could be to devote your time to your better half - the encourager and leader of your family that needs you to make Him your number one ministry of your life other than God. It could be to write! Write without abandon. It could be to start a letter/card ministry and to send anonymous cards to women. To encourage others.
I don't know what God's plans are but I do know His character: Patient, Just, Merciful, Loving, Sovereign, Shepard, Teacher, Counselor, Father and so much more. Seek His will.
We must come to the point of a broken and contrite heart so that we are so very humbled at Him and His Holiness. We are to put others first in our lives so that the first thing that pops into our mind is how can I encourage that person? We need to allow God to clean us, purify us so that we can be used for His purpose. We may never get what we want but the longer we try to get what we want, the longer we will probably have to wait. We need to long, desire and love what He wants. Whatever it is.
Even if it is waiting in a small apartment...
with waning ceiling fans and a sick pet...
Sometimes we have to be OK with where we are before Montana can come into view.
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